Hiv Positive Fella at Trinidad

Happy New Year

2010-01-19T11:42:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year 2010 to all. I been away from blogging.....i was too busy hiding from truth and reality. I've been pretending again.......hehe....

Will be back soon.....

In Pursuit of Happiness

2009-10-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

I write today after a long break...i feel compelled to come back.. to fill this blank space with my sad teary and depressing scenarios... never my intent when writing.

Over the past couple months away from the blog. Away from my reality. I lived .. i behaved, or at least i tried to be as normal as possible. I flirted. I went out more often. I dressed up. laughed , talked and joked around with friends at dinners...
But at the end of each night i went out, and returned home....as i closed the door behind me , the flames of hell begins to rage all around me. I'm sick, I'm the one that is scorned and misunderstood. I am what you don't want to be.

Its beginning to get unbearable in my head. Suicide and thoughts of suicide occupy my thoughts . I see no reason to live. I see suffering and pain for me and those around me. I see shock and disgust all around me in the future. I do value life. And I'm grateful for it. but i don't see why i want to push myself deeper into self hate. Its hard to be happy. i really want to. I make all around me uneasy and unhappy. I keep breaking up and getting back with my once soul mate. I need him so much. Now more than ever. I know he wants to be here for me. But i cant let him. i have to push him away... i want him to live and be happy. away from me...

But i need him so much. He is all i had...have.. He doesn't know it...without him i am nothing. i am powerless. i have no real friends around me that understand me or willing to be there for me. i feel alone like never before. Its not nice . Its not a nice feeling to be alone. You are truly alone.

My greatest fear now and ever since i can remember is the fear of being alone. Growing old by myself....

I cant find this happiness that you talk about...

Results from doctors visit today

2009-09-01T13:18:00.000-07:00

Today : September first, 2009 i got results of last month's blood work.

September 1st 2009 : Viral load - 6866
CD4 - 1048

November 2008 : Viral load - 8341
CD4 - 961

Death Sentence

2009-08-28T04:10:00.000-07:00

Death.
Hiv, cancer, bleeding brain, it means one thing ; DEATH.
Ever since i have been tested positive for HIV, i have thought only about two things - going on anti retro-viral medication that would make me nauseous for the rest of my wretched days and dying.

I have never been scared about dying. In fact, i often looked forward to it, similarly to looking forward to new music, new movies, a new school, a new job, a new crush.... I don't care how hard people try to convince me otherwise, but the truth is HIV is a death sentence. The fear, the anxiety, the hurt. the emotional pain, the madness in your head is as a result of this death sentence.

Knowing that you are going to die and of HIV is a tormenting feeling. Hell on earth!. HIV is death following you, haunting and taunting you, walking behind you in his hidden hood; dark long robe, blood red eyes.....you can never be the same again. You're scared and angry.... and sad.You're faith seems to have let you down. You're alone. You see only hate and darkness around you. You notice sadness first. Everything you look at seems sinister and corrupt.

Everybody is destined to die. But people with HIV die the day that they are tested positive. I died.... i'm dead....i am a walking corpse, slowly rotting and disintegrating into nothingness. i am becoming invisible. Soon you would not know that i am here......

I miss being alive. I miss being happy, being around friends who don't just feel sorry for you, i miss making new friends . I miss being your rock. i miss hope. i miss looking forward to tomorrow...

Medical Research Foundation...my visit continued..

2009-08-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

August 29th will make it one year since i visited Medical Research Foundation in Port of Spain.

The Medical Research Centre was established in October 1993 after nine years of scientific research collaboration with the National Cancer Institute, National Institutes of Health, Bethesda, Maryland, USA and the Caribbean Epidemiology Centre (CAREC).

The Centre was formally opened by Professor Max Richards, Principal of UWI, St. Augustine, Campus. Following this, the Medical Research Foundation of Trinidad and Tobago was established in Port of Spain, Trinidad, West Indies on March 1, 1997 as a non-profit organization and represents a formal collaboration between the UWI, CAREC and local physicians.

The Foundation operates within the offices of the Medical Research Centre, 7 Queens Park East, Port of Spain, Trinidad, West Indies, under the Directorship of Professor Courtenay Bartholomew. The Patron of the Foundation is Sir Ellis Clarke (former President of Trinidad and Tobago). The Management Committee is headed by Professor Bartholomew.

The building looks like a old colonial style building, grand ceiling work. The view from the front porch over looks the Savannah.... My visit on Tuesday of this week was one of my most interesting one yet. Highlights include me having a conversation with a fellow HIV person, me laughing at some of the scenarios, checking out the Army men that brought some positive prisoners in.....

I missed my appointment by an hour, however i was not worried. Mrs. Veda Cowee made a friend of me the first time i visited the clinic. So, i was sure that she would pull me in away from the pack and so i would get through with this ordeal quickly, however this was not so. It has been so long since i last kept my appointment that she forgot me and i was forced to wait like everyone else. Have you ever seen those films where the plot surrounds insanity, and a shot is shown in a mental asylum or something. This was the scene at my visit.... this is how it usually is....i never noticed before.

On entering the clinic you are greeted with mostly black men and women, with sad faces melting downwards like what i imagine the wax models in Madame Tussauds would look like if it caught fire. They are parched on the railings of the entrance of the clinic. They don't say hello. You walk in and greet the pregnant women, sad , depressed, teary faces to the right and a host of others to the left watching CNC 3 that is being shown. I would go up to the counter and let them know my name , a frail , timid voice comes out from me. David ( the guy who takes your name) who always has a smile on his face will then ask you to have a seat., But, id stand right there, away from from blocking the entrance , hold my bag, try to hide my staff ID. and look into space, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. I don't want to feel i am apart of that crowd. But i am.

Standing into three minutes, guy with a tight jeans and top walks in, his hair is well groomed and pulled to the back to make a pony tail thingy. " HAHA.... he take too much prick"......a woman from the outside laughs out. I smile.....

I am getting restless now.... don't want to sit... don't want to stand where i am standing....i walk outside, get a cigarette and light it up. i am well dressed, dressed to go to work after....the same woman asked me: "sir, you is one of de doctors of wah?"..... i just nod in signaling that i am not... i go back inside, a hot red man walks in , but he has handcuffs on...he is a prisoner... i make eye contact and smile....killing time really....Silence pervades the building....suddenly another burst: "David! , David.. i have the lord to see about today you know, i here long now, fucking Jesus waiting for me in the church !!!!!".....

After 3 more cigarettes, and an hour later tow little boys comes in with their mother. Cute; 3 and 4 years maybe, cutest, happiest looking kids....one of them came and tugged at my bag....i couldn't hold it back... i couldn't stop crying... I thought , here i was thinking im so unlucky with all of this and these two kids were positive and unaware.. So breaking my silence, i summed up the courage to make words with my mouth , i asked their mother" Mame...are the kids....."?....
"No, no, they are not, the children don't have it, the children father don't have it" She smiled at me, we both acknowledged that it was she who was positive. i was relieved, but it was sad.....she looked so hopeless.

Finally my number was called. I proceeded into the nurses booth, rolled up my sleeve in anticipation. I lay back on the chair while she pushed a needle into my hands....eight vials of blood after, i find myself sitting there reminiscing about the last time i was there giving blood. ......

I am really one of them, i am HIV positive. i am sad and depressed looking like them. i am hopeless. I am a slut, i fucked around and got HIV like them..............i feel this way anyways.....i am no different.......
Next appointment to get me results of my blood test - September 1st, 2009.

A date with Medical Research Foundation - August 4th , 2009

2009-08-04T09:38:00.001-07:00

One year ago, a happy go lucky guy, gay guy. Had it all together: friends, independence, a boyfriend, a job, a whole lot of dreams waiting to be fulfilled. However it all came crashing down when he found out he was HIV positive. That guy was me.............

I had donated blood a year before : September 7th , 2007. It was my boyfriend's cousin who had met with a bad accident and he needed blood in a rush. So i volunteered given the circumstances. A year later : i received a letter from The Blood Bank of Trinidad and Tobago. Letter dated July 29th, 2008 signed by Dr. Kenneth Charles. The letter was an appointed for me to see Dr. Charles the following week in his office concerning my blood sample from September 2007. I remember all the possible scenarios i created in my mind of what this could have been. I told no one about it. It was the week later and my visibly terrified face was being noticed by my supervisor. I broke down . She was convinced that i was not HIV positive and this whole thing must be about encouraging me to donate more blood to them. I bought into the idea for the moment so that i could peacefully slept that night since i had an appointed with her doctor the next day. I tested positive that day: Tuesday August 5th, 2008; Dr. Roopnarine........ poor fellow, i think i was his first patient that ever tested positive. He was more broken up than me.....

Yesterday i had my appointment at Medical Research Foundation in Pos. These are some of the pix i managed to take.....

Confusion - 9:16 Pm

2009-07-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

One of the 'effects' of being positive and finding out i was positive is the deterioration in my state of mind, the deterioration of the stability of my mind. I always had it all together. i always knew how to bring it all together for me and those around me. I was your rock.

But a year later...and this rock becomes like dry sand, that blows away and disintegrates very easily. I feel like i am loosing my mind.My mind is not what i want it to be. You are probably reading this and not understanding a fuck. Me neither. If you see me, at least i looked well put together. very wholesome. But inside, there's a fire, not a physical fire, but a fire that burns me out. I am confused at the drastic change my once promising life has taken. Why cant i hate the person that gave this to me. Why cant i sleep at nite, why is my mind always running a mile ahead of me. Why ?.,.......

Madness !...

Next appointment

2009-07-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

That picture above is my appointment card for MRF. My next appointment is on Tuesday 4th August 2009 , 8 am. I am over due to do bloods. This is really where they extract blood from you every 6 months to check your stats, your viral load, your organ function, your CD4 counts. All this determines if i would need to go on meds- anti retro-viral.

Yea...just thought id share that... id take pix on at my visit....

My reality

2009-07-24T12:33:00.001-07:00

An excerpt of a letter to me...

Here is my key for the house. Well I don't know what to say actually. I wish this was not the way we ended things.You have been a part of my life for many years . It would always be difficult leaving. I am sorry if i was not there for you, especially after finding out . I don't know how. I think talking about it would only mean having to deal with it. I am not sure how i am supposed to act.

Im here again....

2009-07-11T18:30:00.000-07:00

A few days ago i was ready to come to this blog and delete it all. I started to hate it. I felt i reached the bottom, that i had to come here and talk, to express myself. It felt horrible to know that there was no one around me, no one i could trust, to talk about this.

I stayed away from the blog for some time now. I deleted several of my older posts. This blog reminds me that I'm positive. That my life has limitations. That its dark and dirty. That I'm different.... and i am. That there is uncertainty. I stayed away from the blog, because i wanted to be normal again. I wanted to forget that i was positive.Maybe if i forget it, it disappears. I am weak. I shy away from the virus. I run and hide from it. ......

But then i came back for a visit to my blog and i noticed that i have 14 followers and not the 10 i left with. .... there are people out there that wanna hear my shit. ......that's encouraging. Glad to have you all here. reading my stuff. But be warned. One of the major characteristics of my Zodiac sign is that i need to get away ever so often. To be alone with me. To rejuvenate. to reassess.......

Health Journal; Post number 1

2009-04-21T11:03:00.000-07:00

Today i begin my first post about my health. I would post as often as possible, daily perhaps about the condition about my health.

Last year i got results that i was HIV +. I then joined the Medical Research Foundation around the Queen's Park in Port of Spain. Good looking Dr. Boyce became my doctor. Empathetic fella.

After admitting me into the clinic i found out the following:

I have in fact HIV

My CD4 stands between 500-625 , which is as normal as a HIV - person...so they said to me.

i tested positive for Toxoplasmosis: an OI caused by the Toxoplasma gondii protozoan, most commonly found in cat feces and undercooked meat. Early signs of toxoplasmosis include fever, confusion, headache, tremor, disorientation, personality changes, and seizure

I have a High level of cholesterol which i need to lower.

And last December i was suspected of having Diabetes.......runs in my family its possible...at age 25.....hrmmm..

They told me that i am healthy and wont be needing any medication for a while, if my state remains...

i was asked to lower my weight and calorie intake etc.

and to stop smoking....

Today April 21 2009. i have been taking glucophage tablets for a some weeks now... been working sometimes.... sometimes i feel nauseous, sleepy, tired.....depressed. started smoking even more since... Dunhill Red!... Feel like i don't have friends. I'm so horny...i just need sex....darn....i look as normal and healthy as the next guy...

Feeling hatred....

2009-04-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hate or hatred is an emotion of intense revulsion, distaste, enmity, or antipathy for a person, thing, or phenomenon; a desire to avoid restricts, remove, or destroy its object. It is an obsessive dislike accompanied by restraint and character. The emotion of hate is a feeling of dislike so strong that it demands action. It also means to dislike intensely; feel antipathy or aversion towards something.

Welcome to my Blog

2009-04-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

I am 24 years of age. I was diagnosed with HIV almost a year ago. ...... this is my blog........stay tuned.