I write today after a long break...i feel compelled to come back.. to fill this blank space with my sad teary and depressing scenarios... never my intent when writing.
Over the past couple months away from the blog. Away from my reality. I lived .. i behaved, or at least i tried to be as normal as possible. I flirted. I went out more often. I dressed up. laughed , talked and joked around with friends at dinners...
But at the end of each night i went out, and returned home....as i closed the door behind me , the flames of hell begins to rage all around me. I'm sick, I'm the one that is scorned and misunderstood. I am what you don't want to be.
Its beginning to get unbearable in my head. Suicide and thoughts of suicide occupy my thoughts . I see no reason to live. I see suffering and pain for me and those around me. I see shock and disgust all around me in the future. I do value life. And I'm grateful for it. but i don't see why i want to push myself deeper into self hate. Its hard to be happy. i really want to. I make all around me uneasy and unhappy. I keep breaking up and getting back with my once soul mate. I need him so much. Now more than ever. I know he wants to be here for me. But i cant let him. i have to push him away... i want him to live and be happy. away from me...
But i need him so much. He is all i had...have.. He doesn't know it...without him i am nothing. i am powerless. i have no real friends around me that understand me or willing to be there for me. i feel alone like never before. Its not nice . Its not a nice feeling to be alone. You are truly alone.
My greatest fear now and ever since i can remember is the fear of being alone. Growing old by myself....
I cant find this happiness that you talk about...
