Death.
Hiv, cancer, bleeding brain, it means one thing ; DEATH.
Ever since i have been tested positive for HIV, i have thought only about two things - going on anti retro-viral medication that would make me nauseous for the rest of my wretched days and dying.
I have never been scared about dying. In fact, i often looked forward to it, similarly to looking forward to new music, new movies, a new school, a new job, a new crush.... I don't care how hard people try to convince me otherwise, but the truth is HIV is a death sentence. The fear, the anxiety, the hurt. the emotional pain, the madness in your head is as a result of this death sentence.
Knowing that you are going to die and of HIV is a tormenting feeling. Hell on earth!. HIV is death following you, haunting and taunting you, walking behind you in his hidden hood; dark long robe, blood red eyes.....you can never be the same again. You're scared and angry.... and sad.You're faith seems to have let you down. You're alone. You see only hate and darkness around you. You notice sadness first. Everything you look at seems sinister and corrupt.
Everybody is destined to die. But people with HIV die the day that they are tested positive. I died.... i'm dead....i am a walking corpse, slowly rotting and disintegrating into nothingness. i am becoming invisible. Soon you would not know that i am here......
I miss being alive. I miss being happy, being around friends who don't just feel sorry for you, i miss making new friends . I miss being your rock. i miss hope. i miss looking forward to tomorrow...
