Death.
Hiv, cancer, bleeding brain, it means one thing ; DEATH.
Ever since i have been tested positive for HIV, i have thought only about two things - going on anti retro-viral medication that would make me nauseous for the rest of my wretched days and dying.
I have never been scared about dying. In fact, i often looked forward to it, similarly to looking forward to new music, new movies, a new school, a new job, a new crush.... I don't care how hard people try to convince me otherwise, but the truth is HIV is a death sentence. The fear, the anxiety, the hurt. the emotional pain, the madness in your head is as a result of this death sentence.
Knowing that you are going to die and of HIV is a tormenting feeling. Hell on earth!. HIV is death following you, haunting and taunting you, walking behind you in his hidden hood; dark long robe, blood red eyes.....you can never be the same again. You're scared and angry.... and sad.You're faith seems to have let you down. You're alone. You see only hate and darkness around you. You notice sadness first. Everything you look at seems sinister and corrupt.
Everybody is destined to die. But people with HIV die the day that they are tested positive. I died.... i'm dead....i am a walking corpse, slowly rotting and disintegrating into nothingness. i am becoming invisible. Soon you would not know that i am here......
I miss being alive. I miss being happy, being around friends who don't just feel sorry for you, i miss making new friends . I miss being your rock. i miss hope. i miss looking forward to tomorrow...
37 comments:
It's horrible that you're positive, but what's done is done. Unless you take yourself out, your chances of living to a ripe age are pretty damn good these days.
You could have a very fulfilling life if you chose to enjoy them.
You're inspiring people by just writing this blog. Imagine how many more you could inspire if you used your experience as a catalyst to educate other young people; to do some good. Maybe then you'd wake up with something to look forward to every morning. I refuse to accept that a young man your age has already given up on life.
I have a friend whose brother (25) is hemophiliac. He contracted AIDS as a baby-this was before routine screening of donated blood. He's now engaged to be married, plans to have kids and is going on to work in the medical field. He loves life. You can too. I hope you can come to terms with your status and go on to live a fruitful life.
Much Love,
S. Owl
http://current.com/items/87806001_hiv-is-not-a-death-sentence.htm
Btw- the link above is by someone else, not me.
..........lots to think about. i get what u say... but. its easier said than done. im not that strong.
I think you underestimate yourself. Look at where you live. Even though you write this blog anonymously, I'm sure someone in your personal life could accidentally find out you keep it-whether it's because you accidentally leave your PC logged or whatever.
Yet, you leave yourself so emotionally naked to complete strangers worldwide about your situation, not knowing whether or not, we'll be harsh critics or big supporters. I think that takes balls and a certain amount of strength. I know it's easier said than done, but I get the feeling you're stronger than you let on, Fella. I really do.
I concur with Sapphic Owl. Trinifella, you discount yourself, your strength, and your own courage. While I possess little in terms of wisdom or advanced scientific knowledge specific to HIV/AIDS, I can tell you that medical professionals in Trinidad are working to keep you from developing AIDS. Please note that being HIV+ does NOT have to be an automatic death sentence. Obviously, it does mean that your life has changed, clearly more negatively. I can barely even imagine the fear that engulfs you at this moment. But this is NOT the end of your story. Your treatment regiment may suck the life out of you; your body may not do things it used to do; your relationships have suffered. But right now, you are alive. And coping. I don't mean to trivialize this, because life is a gift. Which you have. This is NOT the end. Not yet. So keep your chin up (I know, easier said than done). We hear and support you, and many others do as well.
I disagree about antiretrovirals being so awful. New drugs are being developed all the time and new classes of drugs too. Granted that these may not be readily available in many parts of the world, but its really only a matter of time before they do become available.
Many of these drugs have no serious side effects at all, and the only real worry is to be sure that you take them as and when due, consistently.. If one can manage that, then the prognosis is for a full life with a normal life expectancy. HIV infection is no longer the death sentence that it once was.
the day i found out i was going to die, i started to live, i'm not going to go into the usual bullshit etc, but all i can tell you is you have nothing to lose any more, that is what stops us as humans from enjoying life, always having something to lose.
Go and do EVERYTHING you ever wanted to , there's nothing stopping you , YOU'RE DEAD ALREADY!, who cares if you fail or fall or make a fool of yourself , you've already been handed your sentence. That's what i did, i got my death date and i just went out there and DID IT and never looked back, i hope you read this and make that change. don't waste another second.
To the last comment- it feels good that someone out there is near to understanding me.
"YOU'RE DEAD ALREADY!, who cares if you fail or fall or make a fool of yourself , you've already been handed your sentence. "
I am like one of those ghost in "ghost whisperers" while i know my fate and i know i am 'dead'... i refuse to believe it.
I am still waiting for that miracle. i am waiting to wake up from this dream. i am waiting for doctors to say that they made a mistake and that i am not hiv positive.....
Give yourself time to get used to the idea.
Eventually, you heal enough to go on living.
У нас в Дагестане за такие слова могут и камням изакидать :(
Не очень люблю такие тексты %:(
В Вашей RSS нельзя получать полные тексты записей, что ли?
Логотип мне нравится:)
У Вас долго загружается блог - видимо, хостинг плоховат
Об этом уже писал кто-то из моих ЖЖ-френдов :(
Прошу прощения за оффтопик.
Вы продаете сквозные ссылки с сайта? Если да, свяжитесь со мной, плз!
На словах ты Лев Толстой, а не деле ... простой!
На словах ты Лев Толстой, а не деле ... простой!
На словах ты Лев Толстой, а не деле ... простой!
А сегодня день архивного работника. У вас на сайте есть "Архив"? Можете праздновать! :))
А сегодня день архивного работника. У вас на сайте есть "Архив"? Можете праздновать! :))
А сегодня день архивного работника. У вас на сайте есть "Архив"? Можете праздновать! :))
А сегодня день архивного работника. У вас на сайте есть "Архив"? Можете праздновать! :))
А сегодня день архивного работника. У вас на сайте есть "Архив"? Можете праздновать! :))
У нас в жж за такой пост бы закидали какашками в каментах:)
У нас в жж за такой пост бы закидали какашками в каментах:)
Мульти портал. Есть все, почти всё. Немного из навигации сайта.
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Анекдотик, не помешает... :)
[url=http://pi7.ru]Девушка[/url] после миньета лезет целоваться к мужику. Тот уже устал отворачиваться.
Она ему говорит:
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блуждала по сети , [URL=http://pi7.ru][IMG]http://pi7.ru/pleer.gif[/IMG][/URL]
Подскажите, а у вас сквозную ссылку купить можно? Если да, сообщите цену на мыло, пожалуйста?
Подскажите, а у вас сквозную ссылку купить можно? Если да, сообщите цену на мыло, пожалуйста?
Hello. And Bye.
Why have you not tried God's ;love he has a plan and purpose for everyone including you in this situation have you trusted him, Jesus with your heart have you made peace with your maker. Please repent and ask him to be your Savior.
mans 3:23 "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."
We all have sin in our hearts. We all were born with sin.
We were born under the power of sin's control.
- Admit that you are a sinner.
Romans 6:23a "...The wages of sin is death..."
Sin has an ending. It results in death. We all face physical death, which is a result of sin. But a worse death is spiritual death that alienates us from God, and will last for all eternity. The Bible teaches that there is a place called the Lake of Fire where lost people will be in torment forever. It is the place where people who are spiritually dead will remain.
- Understand that you deserve death for your sin.
Romans 6:23b "...But the gift of God is eternal
life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
Salvation is a free gift from God to you! You can't
earn this gift, but you must reach out and receive it.
- Ask God to forgive you and save you.
Romans 5:8, "God demonstrates His own love for us, in
that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us!"
When Jesus died on the cross He paid sin's penalty. He paid the price for all sin, and when He took all the sins of the world on Himself on the cross, He bought us out of slavery to sin and death! The only condition is that we believe in Him and what He has done for us, understanding that we are now joined with Him, and that He is our life. He did all this because He loved us and gave Himself for us!
- Give your life to God... His love poured out in Jesus on the cross is your only hope to have forgiveness and change. His love bought you out of being a slave to sin. His love is what saves you -- not religion, or church membership. God loves you!
Romans 10:13 "Whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved!"
- Call out to God in the name of Jesus!
Romans 10:9,10 "...If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Jesus from the dead, you shall be saved; for with the heart man believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation."
- If you know that God is knocking on your heart's door,
ask Him to come into your heart.
Jesus said,
Revelation 3:20a "Behold I stand at the door and knock, if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him..."
- Is Jesus knocking on your heart's door?
Believe in Him.
Ask Him to come in to your heart by faith,
and ask Him to reveal Himself to you.
Open the Bible to the Gospel of John and read what God says about Jesus,
about you, and about being born again.
God will help you. He loves you.
You need to look for a local church where
God's word is preached. The Bible says that we are to desire
God's word like a newborn baby desires mother's milk.
Aren't you hungry to know the truth?
Женщина – полная противоположность собаке. Собака все понимает, но ничего сказать не может… Вчера стоял,а ты пришла сегодня. Несмотря на то, что уже несколько миллионов лет женщина живет рядом с человеком, в ее поведении и образе жизни остается еще много загадочного и непонятного. Невменяемая женщина – женщина, которая в конце полового акта кричит “Не в меня!!!” Что посеешь – потом хрен найдешь
Женщина – полная противоположность собаке. Собака все понимает, но ничего сказать не может… Вчера стоял,а ты пришла сегодня. Несмотря на то, что уже несколько миллионов лет женщина живет рядом с человеком, в ее поведении и образе жизни остается еще много загадочного и непонятного. Невменяемая женщина – женщина, которая в конце полового акта кричит “Не в меня!!!” Что посеешь – потом хрен найдешь
Здравствуйте! Как вы относитесь к молодым композиторам?
Спасибо за статью! Надеюсь, автор не против, если я использую это для своей курсовой.
Очень просто на словах а в деле, многое несоответсвует, не так всё радужно!
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