Confusion - 9:16 Pm

One of the 'effects' of being positive and finding out i was positive is the deterioration in my state of mind, the deterioration of the stability of my mind. I always had it all together. i always knew how to bring it all together for me and those around me. I was your rock.

But a year later...and this rock becomes like dry sand, that blows away and disintegrates very easily. I feel like i am loosing my mind.My mind is not what i want it to be. You are probably reading this and not understanding a fuck. Me neither. If you see me, at least i looked well put together. very wholesome. But inside, there's a fire, not a physical fire, but a fire that burns me out. I am confused at the drastic change my once promising life has taken. Why cant i hate the person that gave this to me. Why cant i sleep at nite, why is my mind always running a mile ahead of me. Why ?.,.......

Madness !...

Next appointment

That picture above is my appointment card for MRF. My next appointment is on Tuesday 4th August 2009 , 8 am. I am over due to do bloods. This is really where they extract blood from you every 6 months to check your stats, your viral load, your organ function, your CD4 counts. All this determines if i would need to go on meds- anti retro-viral.

Yea...just thought id share that... id take pix on at my visit....

My reality

An excerpt of a letter to me...

Here is my key for the house. Well I don't know what to say actually. I wish this was not the way we ended things.You have been a part of my life for many years . It would always be difficult leaving. I am sorry if i was not there for you, especially after finding out . I don't know how. I think talking about it would only mean having to deal with it. I am not sure how i am supposed to act.

Im here again....

A few days ago i was ready to come to this blog and delete it all. I started to hate it. I felt i reached the bottom, that i had to come here and talk, to express myself. It felt horrible to know that there was no one around me, no one i could trust, to talk about this.

I stayed away from the blog for some time now. I deleted several of my older posts. This blog reminds me that I'm positive. That my life has limitations. That its dark and dirty. That I'm different.... and i am. That there is uncertainty. I stayed away from the blog, because i wanted to be normal again. I wanted to forget that i was positive.Maybe if i forget it, it disappears. I am weak. I shy away from the virus. I run and hide from it. ......

But then i came back for a visit to my blog and i noticed that i have 14 followers and not the 10 i left with. .... there are people out there that wanna hear my shit. ......that's encouraging. Glad to have you all here. reading my stuff. But be warned. One of the major characteristics of my Zodiac sign is that i need to get away ever so often. To be alone with me. To rejuvenate. to reassess.......